A Heavy Heart

Fact: I spent the last hour reading through nearly all of my previous emails to Mama Goodpaster to delay having to write this email. A pretty heavy heart is attached to it.

I've decided to come home.

Typical Sister Goodpaster would proceed to offer all these explanations, reasoning, and "please try to understand's." Now is not the time for that. Details can come at a later time. Now is the time to tell you that I believe I am making the right decision, because I know that I am not making it alone. I trust you will support me, but if you don't, well...you don't.

I want to tell you that I've had a lot of moments over the last week where I felt disappointed at God, myself, and this situation. Everything. And it's okay to feel that way, BUT then I realized it's inevitably better to learn from everything instead of harboring ill feelings. (P.S. This feels like a ridiculously common theme in my posts---one day I'll learn the lesson...probably when I'm dead.) I don't know much, friends, but I know that the sooner you learn from and embrace trials and "I never thought that would happen to me's," the sooner you can move on. Happier. Better. Grown.

It's taken me quite awhile to realize that sometimes we've got to make decisions without the blessing of people from whom we expected support. You have the right to say, "I know you're coming from a place of love, but I have to disagree, and make my own decision. Still, I love you and I thank you."

Ultimately, I know that there is joy to be found in everything. The Gospel doesn't stop hardship from happening to us. It gives us the most perfect tools to work our way around, under, and through the tough stuff. I used to think this explanation was patronizing and of very little comfort.

False.

Re-focus on the blessings. Commit to doing what's right, even when it is not easy. All the avenues are there,  but we've got to test them, try them, and see what works. Decide to smile and feel happy because, sweet merciful goodness, you get to wake up today and be alive and walk and talk and pray to a God who set freedom-to-choose at the apex of His plan for me and you and you and you.

If you've gotten anything out of these blog updates the last eight months, I hope it's that I know God has our backs (and our feet and our hearts and every other part of us that needs supporting). He has a plan and you are so specifically a part of it. I hope you can feel love exuding out of your screen as you read all my randomness. :-)  I hope you've smiled and laughed and felt a little more uplifted after reading any of this than you did before you turned on your computer. If you didn't, well, then just lie to me and say you did. Deal? Deal.

Hugs and love and laughs to all of you,
Sister Goodpaster

Note from Mama Goodpaster: Re-read Sister Goodpaster's blog entry from last week. She has been constantly ill and is no longer able to fulfill her missionary duties. She has pressed forward honorably until she physically can no longer do so. Please keep her in your prayers. Thank you from the bottom of this missionary mother's heart.