Loves of my life,
Are you sitting in a comfy chair? No? Find one. Get comfortable.
Originally I started writing this email that was filled with reflective moments and pensive one-liners. Mid-paragraph I realized that I couldn't reduce this experience to that -- so I'm starting again.
Simply.
I feel as much peace about coming home tomorrow as I did when I originally decided to serve a mission over a year ago.
Do you know how people use the phrase, "There aren't words to describe [insert meaningful experience here]?" That's not how I feel about this.
There are PLENTY of words to describe how much the time on my mission changed my life and me and how I look at everything that matters to me. I'll share some of them when I see you next.
I told my parents something last week and I feel impressed to share it with you all, too.
We're not moping about this situation. We are finding every possible joy in it. We are celebrating -- life, love, everything. We're not going to exchange "I'm sorry's" and "Oh, too bad's." We will hug and laugh and cry tears of happiness and I'll be that obnoxious girl who won't shut up about all the beautiful souls she met on her mission. Then we'll do our best, under the care of great doctors, to find out what's malfunctioning in this luscious vehicle of mine, and I'll feel better. Or maybe I won't.
A man I have tremendous respect for shared this sentiment with me before I left: one of the most meaningful words in scripture and, really, in life is nevertheless. Just saying it makes me take a deep breath and re-focus.
That's what I remember at the end of the day. No situation is ideal; nevertheless, we will be happy. We won't have regrets. We will remember all the good that entered our lives because of a compilation of tiny, good decisions. Yes, bad things will happen. That's inevitable. Nevertheless, life moves forward, upward, onward...joyfully.
Much love, gratitude, and prayers for you guys,
Sister Carlyn Ashlee Goodpaster
09 July 2012
03 July 2012
A Heavy Heart
Fact: I spent the last hour reading through nearly all of my previous emails to Mama Goodpaster to delay having to write this email. A pretty heavy heart is attached to it.
I've decided to come home.
Typical Sister Goodpaster would proceed to offer all these explanations, reasoning, and "please try to understand's." Now is not the time for that. Details can come at a later time. Now is the time to tell you that I believe I am making the right decision, because I know that I am not making it alone. I trust you will support me, but if you don't, well...you don't.
I want to tell you that I've had a lot of moments over the last week where I felt disappointed at God, myself, and this situation. Everything. And it's okay to feel that way, BUT then I realized it's inevitably better to learn from everything instead of harboring ill feelings. (P.S. This feels like a ridiculously common theme in my posts---one day I'll learn the lesson...probably when I'm dead.) I don't know much, friends, but I know that the sooner you learn from and embrace trials and "I never thought that would happen to me's," the sooner you can move on. Happier. Better. Grown.
It's taken me quite awhile to realize that sometimes we've got to make decisions without the blessing of people from whom we expected support. You have the right to say, "I know you're coming from a place of love, but I have to disagree, and make my own decision. Still, I love you and I thank you."
Ultimately, I know that there is joy to be found in everything. The Gospel doesn't stop hardship from happening to us. It gives us the most perfect tools to work our way around, under, and through the tough stuff. I used to think this explanation was patronizing and of very little comfort.
False.
Re-focus on the blessings. Commit to doing what's right, even when it is not easy. All the avenues are there, but we've got to test them, try them, and see what works. Decide to smile and feel happy because, sweet merciful goodness, you get to wake up today and be alive and walk and talk and pray to a God who set freedom-to-choose at the apex of His plan for me and you and you and you.
If you've gotten anything out of these blog updates the last eight months, I hope it's that I know God has our backs (and our feet and our hearts and every other part of us that needs supporting). He has a plan and you are so specifically a part of it. I hope you can feel love exuding out of your screen as you read all my randomness. :-) I hope you've smiled and laughed and felt a little more uplifted after reading any of this than you did before you turned on your computer. If you didn't, well, then just lie to me and say you did. Deal? Deal.
Hugs and love and laughs to all of you,
Sister Goodpaster
Note from Mama Goodpaster: Re-read Sister Goodpaster's blog entry from last week. She has been constantly ill and is no longer able to fulfill her missionary duties. She has pressed forward honorably until she physically can no longer do so. Please keep her in your prayers. Thank you from the bottom of this missionary mother's heart.
I've decided to come home.
Typical Sister Goodpaster would proceed to offer all these explanations, reasoning, and "please try to understand's." Now is not the time for that. Details can come at a later time. Now is the time to tell you that I believe I am making the right decision, because I know that I am not making it alone. I trust you will support me, but if you don't, well...you don't.
I want to tell you that I've had a lot of moments over the last week where I felt disappointed at God, myself, and this situation. Everything. And it's okay to feel that way, BUT then I realized it's inevitably better to learn from everything instead of harboring ill feelings. (P.S. This feels like a ridiculously common theme in my posts---one day I'll learn the lesson...probably when I'm dead.) I don't know much, friends, but I know that the sooner you learn from and embrace trials and "I never thought that would happen to me's," the sooner you can move on. Happier. Better. Grown.
It's taken me quite awhile to realize that sometimes we've got to make decisions without the blessing of people from whom we expected support. You have the right to say, "I know you're coming from a place of love, but I have to disagree, and make my own decision. Still, I love you and I thank you."
Ultimately, I know that there is joy to be found in everything. The Gospel doesn't stop hardship from happening to us. It gives us the most perfect tools to work our way around, under, and through the tough stuff. I used to think this explanation was patronizing and of very little comfort.
False.
Re-focus on the blessings. Commit to doing what's right, even when it is not easy. All the avenues are there, but we've got to test them, try them, and see what works. Decide to smile and feel happy because, sweet merciful goodness, you get to wake up today and be alive and walk and talk and pray to a God who set freedom-to-choose at the apex of His plan for me and you and you and you.
If you've gotten anything out of these blog updates the last eight months, I hope it's that I know God has our backs (and our feet and our hearts and every other part of us that needs supporting). He has a plan and you are so specifically a part of it. I hope you can feel love exuding out of your screen as you read all my randomness. :-) I hope you've smiled and laughed and felt a little more uplifted after reading any of this than you did before you turned on your computer. If you didn't, well, then just lie to me and say you did. Deal? Deal.
Hugs and love and laughs to all of you,
Sister Goodpaster
Note from Mama Goodpaster: Re-read Sister Goodpaster's blog entry from last week. She has been constantly ill and is no longer able to fulfill her missionary duties. She has pressed forward honorably until she physically can no longer do so. Please keep her in your prayers. Thank you from the bottom of this missionary mother's heart.
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